I could really use any help
I posted on here a while back and things have far from improved. I’ve been trying to get help/help myself/survive but I am in a crisis of sorts and I don’t know where to turn.
I am afraid for my health and am wondering if anyone can tell me about potential adrenal problems following a traumatic time. More like, I would like the solution than the identification.
Long story short there was a long traumatic time (and a bad car accident in november 2015. If you need to hear it I can tell you about the incidents but I think being general will get the picture through.
I was on a medication from a very no good doctor which caused me to gain 130 lbs and kept me dysfunctional enough to have to stay in my parents’ home who are very abusive and 2 years later the not so good doc agreed to take me off them meds when I am pretty sure near death from one thing or another. doc agreed to take me of the meds. I dropped weight with zero effort and gained some of my decent logic and functioning back and ran from my parents’ home to a shelter who would take me. I was in a very terrible car accident 3 weeks later while living in the shelter and have been dealing with chronic pain (back, sides, flanks, underarms, etc it’s always there changing moving etc). I cannot tell you how many doctors I have seen and been patronized and blown of by for various alarming new symptoms I was told to go back to them for if I had devoloped them. I had not been able to have a job or live independently for years, and I had to get a job etc etc keep job, be an adult, all that because i would literally die in some way some how if Ihad to go home…..
any way, five months later, i get maybe four hours of sleep a night, my skin is red, it truly isn’t safe for me to drive any more, i have huge lapses in memory, my skin is red, my under eyes are black,I can hardly work, (my job, you would basically have to kill someone to get fired), i forget to eat, i forget to bathe, i get odd sensations in my throat that i can’t describe, body sensations are out of control, parts of my body suddenly get heavy and feel pulled to the ground in those moments, the fatigue is not even close to what I experienced in university up all night designing entire megachurches overnight for a large percentage of our grade, it’s another world worse, walking isn’t all too safe sometimes with how i have a tendancy to lose my balance.
I don’t feel emotional or traumatized by anything in particular not generally. emotionally i don’t feel that bad. other than generally bad considering the symptoms and other concerns. I have no reason or desire to hold onto any grudges or anything from the past. Im very resilliant and i see no reason to not just be able to just enjoy that I have a new life now and a job and to be proud of myself and just live and move forward and keep on. i have great friends and support many opportunities and fun things to do around here. other job and education opportunities etc. I simply can’t function on a physical level. I have gone to the emergency room maybe 9 times, doctor 7 times, therapists 6 different, psychiatrists 2. exercise, havent eaten junk food or even had coffee in months. was placed on an alkaline elimination diet. i cannot take a prescription sedative or enxiety drug or sleep aid because i have side effects. i take supplements. i am going to collapse. i am in so much pain. no i do not have a victims’ complex nor is any of this some kind of self fulfilling prophecy nor do i desire anything than a NORMAL EXISTENCE AND SOME PEACE OF MIND EVERY ONCE AND A WHILE.
It was suggested from my new therapist that i have developed adrenal dependency which felt very right. i cannot calm down nor sleep (non of this junk in conscious). I have tried, meditation, yoga, exercise, structure, affirmations, visualization, mantras, supplements, dancing, drawing, cooking, got a dog, made new friends, worked on my hobbies, spent time out doors, deep breathing, self love, shopping, smiling, fake it till you make it, don’t fake it till you make it, massage, tens unit, tea, journaling, etcccc
why can’t I communicate to myself to rest and that my body doesn’t need to be so tight that is causes intense pain. and why wont my head shut of even if i very well know it is totally okay for it to do so after all these months. why can’t i communicate with my body that if on some hidden level if i need to cry or something that it is okay. I know that without rest nothing i would every need to accomplish would be possible and it isn’t like using a day to not be wound up would really matter in the long run if it means i will be healthier.
I am sure I have left out major things I have attempted or very important questions i wanted to ask because my joke these days is that I would not even be able to remember if my entire body was on fire unless i was reminded every few seconds.
I am very familiar with that it is an immediate belief for some people that this is just some girl being dramatic, wants to be a victim, an overly sensitive person, it can’t be that bad, etc. dream on. I am not looking for pity, attention, or any of that garbage. I just have every reason to be able to get better to just function on a basic content fulfilling level and whatever little piece inside of me doesn’t seem to be on board and i have to fix that.
