Son of a PTSD Vietnam Vet
I’m wondering if anyone on this site is the child of a trauma survivor. Because growing up with a parent who suffers from PTSD is an intense experience. You come out of the womb having nothing to do with your daddy’s demons only to find that you’re the one who actually pays for them. As you get older and learn about his past, you worship him even more than you already did because he’s a warrior, and you automatically assume that his rage-filled explosions are your fault because he’s been through so much and he can do no wrong. You learn to have little empathy for others because they haven’t been through what your dad’s been through. You learn to have little empathy for yourself because if he can tough it out, then why can’t you? You have a shit self-esteem because he shows little-to-no love or support. You look for role models on tv and in older peers because he’s too fucking scary to want to emulate – it could take you a lifetime to figure out who you really are in the world, assuming you figure it out at all. These memories have always lived inside me, and I’ve kept them buried deep. But I’m in my 40s now and a new father, so I’ve got a little perspective as to how a child might be treated as I peer down at tiny versions of myself. I think it’s easy to show your children love, and I work really hard to not show frustration in front of them that could frighten them. I wish my father would’ve shown me the same courtesy or at least considered getting some help after waking up having destroyed the house in a fit of rage the night before. It’s ok for me to feel anger or resentment towards him because he let his circumstance destroy our relationship from as early as I can remember. I wasn’t the person in the jungle shooting at him back in the late 60s, nor did I have a choice in being born at all. I was just some tiny new person left to wonder what the fuck I did so wrong to this guy. Does this experience sound familiar to anyone?
