Does anyone else understand my feelings?
At the moment I feel very lonely and kind of in denial because I have nobody to share my feelings with. Last year I was a passenger in a car that hit the back of a parked HGV. I was the only survivor from the accident and it burns my heart everyday. We were four in the car and my girlfriend was asleep on my shoulder at the time. I fractured vertebrae in my back, fractured ribs and collarbone. It causes me a fair amount of discomfort especially my back but nothing compared to my emotional and psychological trauma.
When I wake up in the morning I wish I wouldnt wake up again, I do not want to continue this life of suffering when everything I love is taken from me. Now I often wonder if I am alive or in a kind of hell, I just cannot understand how three people around me sitting next to me can all die but not me. How can it be? Even if I maybe alive physical my spirit and my will to life died that day.
As a teenager my mother also died so in my relatively short life I feel all I have known is sadness. In my grief I feel I have lost years that should have been filled with happiness. The last year and a half have been such a blur I do not know what happened it just disappeared into a black cloud of grief. I wonder if I will have the chance to enjoy life.
It is very isolating to survive such an experience and is beyond the realms of most peoples worst nightmare so it is very isolating. I wont even talk about it with friends because they don’t even nearly understand how it feels.
I am also so tired of this physical pain that serves as a constant reminder to my mental anguish. At least now I have let go of my guilt, I used to analyse every detail of my life before the accident. I would think what happens if that morning I spent 5 minutes more in bed or if the week before I slipped and sprained my ankle or the driver did not park there.
Anyway I just needed to say that, I am not sure if anyone will read this
