Car accident survivor
So, my name is Ashley. I am a 25 year old with a 16 month old baby named cole. In august of 2013 I was taking Cole, some friends and my dogs to a dog event and while on the way home my son (who was 6 months old at the time) got fussy and was hungry. I pulled over onto the side of the road, almost onto the grass and got my son a bottle. As I was leaning into the car to hand it to a friend a car hit me going 70 mph. I hung onto the car and had my other friend help me lay down. I instantly knew I was hit, that my hip was shattered. Once paramedics arrived, it was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. They warped me in a sheet to keep me stable and drove an agonizing 20 mph to the hospital. Once I had a CT scan they realized my pelvis was shattered in a bunch of places. I now have screws holding me together. I’m now 10 months from the accident and still have PTSD. My son luckily is okay and doesn’t remember a thing thank god. I wasn’t able to walk or pick him up for 4-5 months and I’m still having a hard time with pain. I know that I am lucky to have lived. There was 2 other people who got hit by a vehicle the same hour on the same road I was on. One person was 8 feet away from me in trauma and he died. That could have been me. I feel like there was a reason that I was kept around. For the life of me, right now, I don’t know what that reason was. I like to think it’s because my son needs his mom around. And that’s good enough reason for me.
But I came to a realization tonight. No one knows how I feel, not even my therapist. Yeah sure, I talk to her more openly than I speak with anyone. But she doesn’t really Understand. Only other survivors and cancer patients will understand. Yes, you’re alive. You have these visible marks all over your body showing that you fought through this and you’re living. But inside, once all the dust has settled, you’re still broken. When a child breaks a toy, they replace it. And that’s how I feel. I Am a Broken Toy. I can not do the same things I used to, I can’t run around like I want to with my son or friends. I need to sit a lot and even that hurts. When people see me they always ask how I’m doing. Are they being polite? No. They’re literally asking how I’m healing and feeling these days. I get pity from people I haven’t spoken to in Years!! It’s embarrassing and it’s frustrating. They think they’re helping and they’re not. My family is the same way. They shield what they’re thinking so they don’t remind me of the trauma I went through. I appreciate you trying to be kind hearted- but please: Treat Me Normal. This IS my new normal, I’m adjusting, I need you to do the same.
Bottom line: I’m not even a year out of my recovery. It still sucks. I hurt All the time. And it affects my relationship with people. I shy away from people now because I know they know about the accident (I love in a small town where All know). I spend my time with my son because he doesn’t know what happened and I’m still just mom to him. I have my ups and my downs. Hopefully in time the ups will out number the downs. Thank you for reading my ridiculously long story and how I feel. I hope you all find peace and comfort from your accidents. Much love to you all.
