Trauma Survivors Network - provided by ATS

Life disassembled and rearranged

On August 19th of this year on a Tuesday morning heading to work I was involved in a fatal car accident that took the life of the other driver. She hydroplaned and hit me across five lanes of traffic and I am so blessed and fortunate to still be alive and in one piece. She was not so fortunate and passed away at the scene. I am a nurse of almost 20 years and was unable to help this woman in any way due to the fact she was trapped in a demolished car. I had to stand by watching her die until an extraction team arrived. I can say as a health car worker that has been hardest most devastating thing Ive ever had to live with. She was in a dying breathing rhythm when I got to her side of the car and was not suffering, but all my life Ive been doing something to help people and was unable to even hold her hand. Fortunately my physical injuries were minor but mentally its been a challenge ive tried to face bravely and with serenity. But, its very difficult. I have had some significant flashbacks and anxiety.

Reply: Life disassembled and rearranged

I am blown away that you pulled yourself together and made it to her car. I cannot imagine what that was like. I can tell you that I had a nurse stop at my accident scene. She wasn’t able to any nursing because it looked like I was impaled and bleeding out. I don’t remember anything past her getting out of her car. But I remember that it was a comfort seeing her getting out and knowing there was someone there. I know you said that she wasn’t suffering, but maybe she was able to feel the peace that you were near?

The flashbacks and anxiety I can relate to. It is triggered by even small things. I need to remember where I’m at and what is around me. I acknowledge the flashback and what brought it on. It isn’t easy. I work in healthcare too. I work in the radiology dept of the trauma hospital that saved my life. I had my accident on the way home from an overnight shift. I returned to work after 10 mos of recovery. Some of the worst flashbacks happen at work. I have walked through the trauma area while new accident survivors are being brought in. All of the sudden I get chest tightness and start to sweat. I have explained this to those I work closely with and take a break and have a conversation about something unrelated. However, when this happens and I don’t stop and let my mind process, I get really irritable. I’m not sure if I can prevent these flashbacks, but it’s been two years since my crash and I feel like I can handle it better because I know what is happening when they come on now.

I am so glad that you’ve survived and are still here to help others. I hope that the anxiety and flashbacks ease.

Reply: Life disassembled and rearranged

Many trauma survivors, the loved ones of trauma survivors, and witnesses of a trauma, go through emotional ups and downs as well as some may have post traumatic stress (flashbacks of the trauma). You’re human so you are going to feel sad, upset, and bunch of other emotions. Not all humans are like you and would help someone who is hurt when they are injured too. It seems like you did everything you could do to help the woman who pasted away. I understand the mental and physical pain you are going through. I was in a serious car accident several years ago. My stories on the TSN website. The witness of my accident calls me each year on June 2nd, the day of my accident, to see how I am doing. She was expecting to talk to my wife and not me the first time she called me. She told me she was certain I was dead She thinks of me everyday The only way to get to her home is on the road my accident was on. I am thankful that she cared enough to get out of her car to help me, even though she couldn’t. I had to be cut out of my truck with the jaws of life. Someone is thankful that you did all you could to help her even despite you were also injured. Something that helped me get to the point I am at now in my life is being in the here and now, the present. I try to only think about whatever i am dealing with or doing right now. I try not to dwell on the past or worry about the future. We can’t change what has already happened. We do not know or have control over the future. Your human and your trauma is fresh. You will think about the past, how and why did this happen, and the future, what’s going to happen next. Try not to dwell on it. If you catch yourself doing that try to bring your focus back to the present. Think about or focus on something you are doing now. This way of thinking saved my life, helps me to accept the new me, what happened, and to be at peace. From what I read about you, it seems like you are a good person and are making a difference in the world. As a nurse you created a life that allows you to give back to others. When that little voice in your head starts thinking about the past or worrying about the future remind yourself who you are. Someone that makes a difference and is giving back. I wish the best for you in your recovery.

Words make our world and save lives

Reply: Life disassembled and rearranged

I ditto what bmunsky shared.The only thing I can add is thank you for being a nurse all these years. The nurses who took care of me on the trauma unit, as well as the swing bed hospital were so very instrumental in my recovery. So much so that I have thought if I were 25 years younger I might change professions. One thing for sure is we are all survivors of trauma and many of us so much better due to the same. Stay strong. We are there for you.. Sporty